Put Some Real Clothes On and Get Your Damn Hair Out of Your Face!

If you follow me on twitter or talk to me on a regular basis, you might have noticed that I recently finished watching the entirety of Lost. I know, I’m a little late to hop on that bandwagon, but all the seasons were on Netflix, and all I do now-a-days is watch shows on Netflix, so why not? I’m not going to go into too much detail on what I thought about the series; this post isn’t about that (but if you want to talk about it another time, I’d be more than willing to oblige). Instead, there was something about the two main female characters that always bothered me. When trekking through the jungle, they’d usually have their hair pulled back. But no matter how sweaty or sticky they seemed to be, there were always two clumps of hair loose from their ponytails, one on each side of their face. And it’s not like the strands weren’t quite long enough to fit in the pony tail… And they never seemed to want to brush it behind their ears. So they always had this gross clump of hair in their face. Observe Kate, for example:

Getcho hair outcha face, guh!

Why in the world doesn’t she have that shit pulled back? Is it more dramatic if she has stringy-ass bits of hair dangling in her face during a stressful moment? So this got me thinking about all the other times I’ve wondered about similar unrealistic female portrayals in television and movies. So I’m going to write about a few.

Part 1 – Your Hair Is Annoying Me

Refer to Example No. 1 above. I don’t understand how Kate is supposed to function as a rational human being with all that hair in her face (Oh wait! It’s because she doesn’t function like a rational human being. Because she sucks.) Get that gross hair out of your eyes so you can properly track people or whatever. I understand that maybe sometimes that hair will come loose, but just shove it back behind your ear. You’re sweaty enough that it’s gonna stay put for quite some time. Or rip up an old cloth and make a bandana to wrap around your head. Only the guys seemed to understand the usefulness of a bandana in this show! And here’s another example:

While I’m a huge fan of what some people have unfortunately started calling “the Katniss braid,” Cinna should have known better than to send that poor girl out into the arena without a bobby-pin or two. I can’t complain too much about Katniss’s hair though, because she does a pretty good job of keeping it out of her face throughout the games. But if Cinna had just maybe started that french braid a little bit higher up to include those little pieces… That is my No. 1 updo for keeping my hair out of my face when I don’t have a bobby pin for those small strands/bangs. Or, again and better yet, get that girl a bandana!

Here’s another good example of questionable hair styles for someone who is supposed to be kicking ass. So I know Black Widow is a stupid-awesome assassin and stuff, but I bet you she’d be even better if she had her hair pulled back. When you have all that hair flying around everywhere, it starts to get all tangled and gross. If you’re sweaty (which despite all the kick-flips and running she does in the movie, she never seems to be), that rat’s nest is gonna want to stick to you. And then you get all itchy and bothered. And your hair gets in your face! Maybe that’s why she decided to cut it all off for the Avengers Initiative (even though I still see flaws in the short do). 

You see this mistake being made in all sorts of Hollywood movies, not just action dramas. Actually, I think the most annoyed I’ve ever been concerning a girl’s hair in a movie is Blake Lively’s character, Bridget, from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (yeah, I know… leave me alone). I mean, Bridget is supposed to be this super awesome soccer star, and while I guess she’s trying to be hot for that cute guy or whatever, her hair is down whenever she’s practicing or running. Take this clip, for example.

Oh yeah, the team is running on the beach! Look at all the other girls with their hair pulled back like normal people. Aaaaaaaand here comes Bridget trotting along with her hair loose and blowing in the wind. And now she’s just going to collapse in the sand and still somehow look attractive even though in reality she’s probably sweaty and gross. And you know she’s going to have so much sand to wash out of her hair later that day. Ugh, just thinking about that makes me cringe.

Anyway, I could probably go on forever about this. But first lemme point out a few girls who got the memo. (Note: Having bangs is completely acceptable as long as they don’t obscure your vision in any way.)

Hair-Doing It Right

Part 2 – Put Some Real Clothes On

I guess I understand the motives behind making female superheroes scantily clad, but really what are they trying to achieve from that? Is there some sort of advantage to having a square cut out of your jumpsuit right at the chest area? Is it so your cleavage can breathe? Do high-heeled boots train you to balance better? Does a shiny, black, skin-tight pleather jumpsuit make you sweat out all of your demons? Because these things sure as hell aren’t making you a better fighter or whatever. Take Trinity from The Matrix and Catwoman from The Dark Knight Rises:

Shiny leather from head to toe, not to mention heeled boots. I suppose it doesn’t really affect their ability to move quickly, because they seem to do that just fine in the movies, but that shit can’t be comfortable. I can honestly say that I’ve never put on a leather/pleather jumpsuit, so perhaps I’m mistaken, but this get-up just doesn’t seem ideal for anyone. And maybe I’m just clumsier than most (and I don’t really think I am), but when has running and fighting in heeled boots ever seemed like a good idea? I’m sure a kick in the face might hurt a little more if you take a stiletto to the chin, but that person still has to be able to keep balance on the other heel to kick you in the first place, especially since she has a very good chance of breaking her ankle. Now, I understand that some people are infinitely more skilled in the art of wearing high-heels, and I’m sure these ladies have a lot of experience wearing them, but they are still not the ideal shoe to wear for anything remotely athletic. Unless you’re Beyoncé… I bet Beyoncé could kick your ass in six-inch stilettos.

Now, let’s talk about spandex. I am all about some spandex. Or really just stretchy fabrics in general. If you’re looking to do something remotely athletic, I’ll put you in Lululemon, no questions asked. You can run and stretch and be oh-so comfortable, especially if it’s moisture wicking. If I was some sort of badass heroine in a comic book or movie, a comfortable “work” outfit would be ideal. However, sometimes you need to sacrifice a little comfort for something a little more sturdy. If I’m in a line of work where people shoot at me a lot, I’m probably not going to be prancing around in a spandex suit. I’m going to have as much kevlar covering me as possible. And some comfortable boots.

There’s a reason SWAT teams wear helmets and bullet-proof vests; you’d think these women would’ve noticed. Now, I guess this isn’t ideal if you’re trying to use seduction as an advantage, but I think you could try to be a little creative with your armor to accomplish that. So maybe this isn’t the best (or least dorky) example, but take Lightning from Final Fantasy 13. Maybe not too terribly seductive, but she is wearing a mini-skirt. But look! Sturdy boots, some weird shoulder pad (yes, singular – she only has one), leather gloves; she’s well on her way to being relatively well-protected. Never underestimate good, sturdy leather! And let me revisit Katniss for a moment. Even though her hair was still in her face, Cinna gave her a very appropriate set of clothes to go into the games with. Sure, she doesn’t have any sort of armor (I’m sure she wasn’t allowed any), but she has practical shoes and pants for trekking through the woods, a plain black shirt, and a lined raincoat. If you know what potential hazards you could be getting into, dress for success! I guess I’m not a fan of the impractically-clad seductress. I’d just rather be a badass.

Conclusion

Hollywood and comic books and television and everything else pop-culture oriented needs to think more about their female characters and dress them accordingly. Because I don’t like when their outfits/hairstyles don’t make sense. And everyone should try to appease me as much as possible.